It's Okay.

Happy Mothers day 

Today I said to myself when negative thoughts enter replace them with “Better is coming.” because if I don't remind myself that I can do better, I'll continue to beat myself up. I should have been celebrating being a mother instead of recapping my failures. It ruined my day thinking of my flaws. 

Better is coming, is the conclusion I came up with after crying my eyes. Before my time is up, I will have better. After everything I've overcome, I deserved to. My mom instincts wouldn't allow me to settle for this life. I wanted to show my child a different life even while going through your personal struggles. 

So, my week was cool, but Sunday was definitely a mixy one. I loved spending my time with my mother while she enjoyed her favorite movie. But I felt so incomplete inside. I need a vacation I think, just a second to reset, redirect, and enjoy life. Better is coming. 

I hope all mothers enjoyed their Mothers Day. 

I really had to much to think about this week. It literally left me speechless. See you next week.

I learned from my celibacy tour 1 that my sexual addiction was born from my childhood trauma. Instead of healing i spent 35 years avoiding my trauma, flaws, and depression. The pandemic made me acknowledge it and start the healing process. Tour 2 was a little better but I realized ran back to the same protective walls I built as a child when I was trigger 

This time around I want to address my triggers so they don't interrupt my journey.  I am determined to live the rest of my years in peace and surrounded by happiness. Even if that means getting down in the bad and solving my problems head on. That means learning what my triggers are, identifying my triggers, and learning new ways to cope with them. 

Healthy ways to cope with them instead of leaning on bad habits, drugs, and unhealthy relationships. Yes, they feel good but once the high wears off those yucky feelings will creep back in. 2024 lets learn how to overcome them and stop burying our trauma. I have trust and abandonment issues. Which has caused me to leave relationships at the first sign of trouble. 

That can be friends, love, or family; i will cut people off without looking back to protect my feelings. Yes, it seems like a good thing to do, until you realize a conversation probably could have been had to save the bond. I want to work on my communication and not be afraid to trust people. Everybody is not THAT asshole, some people do deserve a chance. 

Week 1  

Welcome to The Re-Re-Re Grand closing. I'm back on the celibate tour and this time I'm taking yall with me. The first time I tried this it was out of anger and truly wanting to understand my trauma. My second go round I don't think i was open about it. I wasn't really focused on being celibate, i was in my feelings and fell right back into the same dead end cycles. 

This time around i am being intentional on what i want. Not only in my sexual side, but in mentally as well. I want to fix my triggers, so they won't paralyze me when shit happens. I'm tired f falling apart when i need to get stuff down. I need to take some time and fix me. And yes, abstaining from sex will help me. 

I learned my first try at being celibate that you have to break your bad habits to gain good ones. Learning discernment with thumper and my feelings was important. At this age I wanted someone to be consistent and intentional. I needed to learn who to give it to and how much to give. Maybe give a little so I dont miss out on it. 

This time around I also wanted to work on my communication skills. I can't keep running. Literally every situationship I've been, I've ran from. Even the one I wanted to blossom into something beautiful. I did get better but there was still work to be done. Learning to be vulnerable was one and trust.  

So much work to do on top of getting this kid ready for adulthood and fixing my career. I'm not sure how long this tour will last. But I do know I'm committed to it until I get the results I deserve. 

Dating after celibacy is realizing I’ve been saying the wrong prayer and that's why its not working. Before I ever thought I could be celibate I used to pray for a great sex partner(lord forgive me.) I thought sex was the easy way of connecting to people without getting my heart broken; that was false. Chasing sex led me to failure, dead ends, heartache.

 When that didn't happen I tried to use the Ciara prayer, but I didn't believe in it. I wanted the Russell Wilson happily ever ending after my Future episodes. However, mentally I was not in the head space to receive that kind of love. There was childhood trauma I needed to heal. I needed to learn what the adult me wanted and I had to remove sex out of the equation. There was no way for love to move in when I was still holding onto past baggage.

 So after reciting the Ciara prayer and that failing miserable i moved onto Careeshas formula. I was only going to be available for fun and sex. At that point I assumed love was never going to find me. I went back to what I knew and hoped it would produce new relations. In my mind after the Cici prayer didn't work, I was just meant to have a good time. To be honest I was afraid to try again and fall back to those same dead ends I detoxed from. 

 But that didn't keep me happy and those same empty feelings of confusion stepped in. I needed to be realistic on what my heart truly wanted. That seemed to be the only way I was going to manifest what I truly desired. Sarah Jakes Roberts wrote a chapter called Intimacy in her book Don't settle for safe that made sense. It made me understand why those prayers and ideas did not work for me. They were not created by me nor ordained by the high power. 

 They were made for someone who has not experienced what I went through or knew what I needed. Dating after celibacy is realizing most of what I feared is what my heart carved. I have to form my own prayer and prepare myself for what that looks like.

Dating after celibacy has me looking at all of my ships and how i want the sail. Thats relationships, family, work, and friendships. I wanted to be in healthy situationships all across the board after being celibate. The kind that would inspire to be the best version of me I could be. 

 After being in a dark space for so long I wanted to be around positive energy. The kind of people who were genuine and supportive, I wanted to pour into people who didn't mind pouring back. Because honestly I'm tired of being drained by selfish people. Or the kind of people who were only concerned about themselves.

 Celibacy showed me the value of a healthy village. Everybody needs someone to cheer them on when they have their dark days, even the strong. I needed that. I needed someone to give me what I've given so many others. Encouragement, love, patients, and moral support. I needed a break from assholes who had more problems than solutions.

 You surround yourself with the vibes you want and i wanted peace. In my love life, in my friendships, and my family members. There was so much going on i didnt have space for negativity. I did not want to spend the rest of my days mad and miserable. There was enough hate in the world that i did not want it in my heart.

 The village I wanted to be a part of uplifted the community. We were comfortable enough with each to call out the wrongs. Without disrespecting or neglecting one another's feelings. My vision for my support group was the same for my dream of a fairytale relationship; peace. Happiness, loyalty, fun, pretty days, and non judgmental people. 

 Life after celibacy looked healthy. It looked different from the toxic situations I walked away from. There was no space for dead ends or false beginnings. Nor relationships that didn't fulfill my heart's needs on bad days. I am not interested in being around people with no ambitions. I wanted to be around go getters, people who wanted more from life than to be sad.

 Not perfect people, but a village of people who were committed to trying. The kind who were dedicated to finding better no more what the world was going through. Everybody had a problem, flaw, or has made a mistake. It took a special kind of person to preserve through the storm. 

 That's where I was in life, on a journey to find better. A better mental space, a better love life, better friendships, and better connections with family. And sometimes you had to move differently. Surround yourself around different energies in order to get better results. Life after celibacy was on another level not too many would reach.

Dont forget to check out the AAHA Journey.

 Dating after celibacy is about resetting and reprogramming not forgetting. Its not enough to forget about bad habits, they have to be replaced with good ones. Triggers will make you remember them and fear will have you moving backwards. We didn't start this journey for nothing or to repeat those dead cycles.

 My celibacy journey helped me learn what I desired besides sex.  I discovered what type of intimacy I wanted outside of sex. I discovered what kind of energies were not going to work on my new journey. Sex wasn't enough to keep my soul happy. The new me required more than skin to skin contact.

  Sex used to be just sex for me, a release, a comfort, it was never about love for me. Or maybe i was doing it backwards by having sex first and trying to fall in love later. Mentally i wasn't in a place to understand that sexual attraction and falling in love are not the same. I had to go through somethings, isolate myself, and rebuild my mental

 My self love/celibacy journey helped me acknowledge everything I was running from. Those protective walls I built as a child couldn't help me as an adult. New ones need to be built based on my adult needs.Those old habits were not going to change by forgetting them. The slightest trigger could easily take me back.

 I have to reprogram my thinking and trust the tools I learned while celibate now that im dating. Celibacy started the work now I had to finish in order to keep the healing going. I do believe its possible to have what you Want and Need at the same time. I simply have to reset when i feel myself straying away from what the new me wants. 

 I didn't go through that journey for nothing. 

What the hell am i waiting for

I told myself that in 2023 i wasn't waiting for anything. Nothing was going to stop me from achieving my goals and serving my purpose. I’m almost 40, the world is losing its common sense, and i want to spend the rest of my days happy. Making memories that will out live and filled with love. 

 So what am i waiting for?

 For my lazy ass to get it together. I need to learn how to be disciplined and budget. I need to find a job that pays for my time and worth. One that allows me to make while serving my passion. But that means i have to work hard to obtain that. I don't want to live the rest of my time being miserable. I've seen so many women end up old and bitter it scares me.

 I simply can't believe I was born to be unhappy, no matter what i've been through. My purpose is greater than my circumstances. My strength to go on is more powerful than my struggle. I simply have to work for it. Discipline my wants so that my need for a peaceful life can be met. And i need to do it now.

 There is no point in waiting. I’m not getting any younger, life is not slowing down, and its not getting any calmer. There would be so many regrets if I sat around waiting for life to change. Sitting around stagnant while the rest of life passes me by. In 2022 I learned if you do nothing, nothing will change. The same results will keep recycling and thats not good. That is not how i want to spend the rest of my days

I’m not waiting for anything.

 I’m going to spend the rest of my days striving to do better. Working hard to achieve better and to be a better person. 

Celibacy taught me good sex doesn't mean a good relationship.That was my reasoning for being celibate in the first place. Good sex normally left me heartbroken, drained, and with blue balls. Good sex probably led you to dead ends and more lessons than blessings. Especially if you have a sex addiction, good sex clouds your judgment.

 Good sex feeds the high you're chasing, but neglects your sober wants/needs. Leaves you in a delusional state of lust; at least in my case. Good sex has caused me to do things that weren't good for me. I took a bunch of L’s focused on the wrong thing or thinking with the wrong head as my Grandma said. 

 And I am tired.

 The older I get, my needs change, my desire to be in love grows deeper, and my attraction changes. Part of my celibate vow was learning discernment to keep from repeating the same mistakes. In order to keep my heart from being broken, I need to control Thumper(that's what i call her) Most of the time good sex is good sex that owes you nothing but a nut. No matter how tongue curling, finger licking, soul sucking, good it is. Does not mean that will extend to a healthy situation. 

 If it did there would be no need for me to join the celibacy journey, twice. Celibacy taught me that in order to achieve something different you have to do something different. Even after the vow its important to practice those same lessons. Or adopt different ones that will help us achieve our goals and obtain the right relationship. The kind of relationship where love is the leading actress and sex is the supporter.

 Dating after celibacy is challenging. Not sure how it's going, but I'm learning about myself and what I need. The new me doesnt cum the same way. I’m not turned on by the things that use to make me wet. In order to attract different i had to continue doing different. And remember good sex does not mean good relationship

 I thought life after celibacy would be smooth and filled with discipline. In my naive thinking I assumed celibacy would heal my sex addiction, trauma, and keep me from repeating dead end relationships. I thought that my urges would slow down. I thought that I would have a better handle on my emotions.

 Until I started dating and realized the journey didn't stop. Dating after Celibacy is scary. The feeling of wanting to try something new fights with not repeating the past. Which causes a war cause on that road to exploring are triggers. They make you second guess yourself afraid of going down a dead end. Which is not a good thing because sometimes it holds you back.

 Then I realized celibacy doesn't heal problems, it's a healing process. One that skipping steps only sets you back. Celibacy is a journey, one that has to be continued even after the vow is breaking. That way everything I learned while on my celibacy vow wont go in vain. All the self love, tapping into unhealed trauma, and mental work deserves to be continued. That's what I keep telling myself. Continue the work that you were doing even while dating.

 It's scary but a healthy balance can be achieved. I’m not sure how, because I'm currently figuring it out. But I know straddling the fence of fear and pushing forward does not feel good. The future deserves a chance to blossom without the weight of the past crushing it. Least that's what i keep telling my scary ass.

 Dear inner child, you can rest. You did a wonderful job guiding us this far but I got it from here. I don't need some of those defense mechanisms in this phase of my life. To be honest I need to knock down some of those walls you built. Undo some of those coping skills we used to get over our childhood trauma.

They are not healthy on this journey. They are hindering my growth. They are preventing me from reaching my full potential. I have come to a point in life where I realized I'm part of my problem. The reason I've been unhappy is my because i've been stewing in my own misery.

 Being celibate helped me understand in order to fix my mental health starts with self help. It starts with acknowledging what is happening to you, accepting what you cant change, forgiving yourself for taking the blame, and understanding your purpose. These are things no one can help you with till you help yourself.

 That also means getting down in the bad and letting go of your childhood trauma. I’m burying mine. In a proper burial surrounded by flowers for protecting me this far. I appreciated her getting us this far but I am ready to step out of the box. Live life differently than the past 36 years of living. A life filled with a happiness I never experienced before. 

 One that is rewarding. One that helps me understand why I had to go through what I went through. A life that gives me my flowers while I'm on earth to smell them. Instead of hiding behind my walls i'm ready to break through them. And fix my problems instead of hiding behind them. It's possible with discipline, integrity, and determination. 

 I've been hiding suga. Not in shame but unsure of which direction to go. I have to be honest I'm no longer celibate and I wasn't sure how to lead Celibate Hearts. I wasn't sure if i should continue the message even though my mission has ended. Even though my journey has changed, it doesn't mean yours has to stop. Doesn't mean I can't share what I've learned or that I need to stop learning. 

 Being an addict of any kind means there’s always work to be done.

 I can share what I've learned with others so they can continue their journey. One thing I learned being celibate it is a learning  journey. There’s no right or wrong way to do it. Abstaining from sex is not the only goal, it helps you reach the important ones. Makes you take accountability and inspires you to love yourself more. 

Now this is my second time around and may not be my last. The first time I wasn't emotionally ready to end my journey. There were lessons I bypassed acting on lust. Part of me thinks i had unfinished business from the past to deal with. People I needed to let go of. I also had more work to do dealing with my unhealed trauma.

 The second time around I took more time out for myself. Time to understand my impulsive behaviors, my bad habits, and to move on from the past. I discovered celibacy is about self lessons and love, not time. It didn't matter how long you abstain from sex if you weren’t committed to your celibacy vow and doing the mental work. 

 Now we work on controlling our impulses and creating healthy habits. This next phase in life is about finding a balance and preparing for forty. My kid will be graduating, I will no longer be Maryland property, and deserve to be happy for the rest of my days. Without my past behaviors interfering with my peace. Don't take my choices and make excuses to relapse. Be better than me and continue on your mission of healing.

 This new journey has opened my eyes up to the future and how I want to live the rest of my life. Traveling, exploring, networking, and being happy with the decisions I make. I've been blessed to start new ventures in the travel industry as well as pursuing my dream to be a published author. 2023 will not defeat me, it will be the year of a better me.

 Celibacy has helped me let go of my childhood trauma. Most of my adult problems come from my trauma I was holding onto. I couldn't fall in love because every time i did it left me hurt. I stopped celebrating Christmas to avoid old memories. I cut off people thinking being alone would make my past go away.

 It didn't.

 I didn't realize it created more drama in my life. Stopped me from reaching my full potential because my past clouded my view. I've wasted too many years being depressed instead of getting help. When you have responsibilities you learn to function instead of live. It wasn't until I started acknowledging the trauma I went through that I changed my perspective.

 For the first time I started doing the things I dreamed about as a child. Achieving my goals and flourishing in my career. I started to understand that I wanted love and intimacy. I begin to believe in myself more, giving myself love, and building healthy defense mechanisms. Taking a time out for sex helped me improve in other areas.

 Trust me sex is a drug too. It doesn't come in a physical form and it's probably the cheapest one to cop. But having an addiction to sex is as addicting as heroin or crack. To much sex can lead to deadly diseases and damage relationships. Have you doing some strange things chasing that orgasmic high. The same one drug addicts do.

We simply hide in plain sight.

 Not treated, unaware of what we are going through, and discouraged from getting help. Most of us don't even know what hyper-sexuality is or that we are suffering from it. I thought I was an extra horny girl who didn't need love to survive. Those were some sad years spent lying to myself.

 Celibacy has taught me what kind of love i need. The type of friendships I want in my life. Therapy helps us move beyond the old us in order to embrace better. My new journey consists of me controlling my urges and becoming a better woman. There’s no time clock on mental health. Only willpower to do the hard work.

 Hell yeah its hard work being celibate and working on your goals. But it's worth it Suga

 I’m learning what triggers my anxiety as an adult. This journey im on isnt based on my toxic sex life. It's also about me growing into a better woman. The kind of woman who makes herself happy no matter the circumstances. In order to do that i would have to confront my childhood traumas. 

 That's the reason my life was going in this redundant cycle. Certain things I couldn't do because of an incident or fear I had as a child. In my mind I was protecting myself from the bad things life didn't. It also kept me in a shell and unable to flourish. Or communicating with others. Or reaching my full potential because i was afraid to step out of the box.

 Mental healing is something we all should do as we age. That way we can identify our triggers before they impact our lives. Adult me I didn't need some of those defense mechanisms I learned from my childhood. They were stunting my growth the longer I held on to them. Keeps me from finding genuine love because of the walls surrounding my heart.

 I've come to a point in my life where my childhood is deadweight I'm carrying on my back. 

Heavy reminders of an imperfect past, that only triggered my anxiety and made me lash out. Caused me to push people out of my life and unable to grow bonds. After several failed situationships I realized I was part of the problem. I wasnt that scared, angry little girl anymore. There's no need to drag out events I survived. I conquered the worst of the worst, it was time to move on. 

 In order to reach my full potential i had to heal from my past. I had to acknowledge it happened, accept that I couldn't change it, and move on.

 The direction my life is going doesnt need reminders of the bad times. I’m only concerned with my future and being a better mom. I want to exude high vibrations when I walk in any room. I want to wake up full of love, positivity, and no reminders of the past. No more punishing myself for others' actions. That's not how I want to live my life.

 Even when I'm triggered. I’m going to learn how to deal with my stress differently. In a healthy way. Ways that do not affect my mental health or future relationship. Being celibate has been a struggle but worth the journey.

Change your mind

 I can't speak for anyone but I know my life started off on the negative side. Early trauma, early grief, misplaced anger, raised by a military single parent, and scared to be vulnerable. When you go through a bunch of bad shit you miss out on the good in you. I didn't want to share the good parts of me and it turned me bitter.

 Honestly I was a mean, evil, cute fat girl who was with the shits. In my mind I thought I was protecting my heart. Having sex instead of building commitments made me feel like i was avoiding heartbreak. My trust issues kept me in a bubble, scared that if I stepped out people would take advantage. In reality I put myself in situations that crushed my spirit.

 Add on losing my grandmother and almost losing my child; I had a few bad years. Threw away my faith and forgot what my purpose in this life was. It's easy to dwell on the negative when you’re submerged in it. So when I say addressing childhood trauma and flaws is worth it. I'm speaking from my own personal experience.

 I changed my mind.

 At 33 I hated the way my life was turning out. I assumed it was the relationship I was in, the friends I didn't have, and the family bonds that were broken. Everything around me was turning to shit. I was unhappy, depressed, broke, and simply functioning. Doing what I was supposed to keep life flowing for those around me.

 The pandemic changed my mind.

 Changed the way of life for everyone, especially me. ‘The year of isolation’. For the first time in my adult life i decided to be celibate. Work on myself, work on my mental, work on the fucked up shit ive been carrying around with me, I worked on my business, and i worked on my relationship with my son.

 I learned that I was the cause of my own misery. The reason I couldn't find happiness was because I wasn't happy with myself. There were brick walls I built as a child ruining my adult life. I didn't need them at this stage of life. I wasn't the damaged little girl anymore. I survived some pretty bad things and still turned out pretty good.

 Life could have gone down some dark roads but they didn't. I got through it and continue to get through all obstacles. I deserved to be happy and that was a job only I could do. And I set out to achieve peace even if that meant addressing my past, issues, and addictions. I had to get to know the grown up me.

I changed my mind.

 About the way I want to live the rest of my life. How I want to enter my forties is not the way I lived in my twenties. I want to be better than her, happier, stable, and with love. You have to decide if being comfortable is more important than growth. For me it wasn't. Being comfortable only got me heartbreaks and more problems. At 36 I am embracing change and a new beginning.

 You’re never too old to change your mind

Being celibate is not easy. It takes discipline, determination, and a lot of saying no. if youre  a sex addict celibacy is a major lifestyle challenge. For sex addicts, sex becomes a habit, a coping mechanism, how we meet people, and our favorite sport. It takes alot of willpower for a sex addict to take a vow of celibacy.

 But when we do, I can't believe I'm saying this. Its the best thing a sex addict can do when they are self destructing. Before I started my vow I was functioning but not living. I was doing everything I was supposed to do, because I had to. As long as I can get my fix i continued to live with my trauma, abuse alcohol and drugs. Mentally I was unstable taking care of others mental. I built walls that kept me from loving others fully. 

 I was sabotaging myself and didn't know the damage I was causing. Until I grew tired of my own toxic behaviors. Celibacy helped me deal with the child trauma I thought I buried. I took the time to heal wounds that were affecting me. Being celibate helped me accept/acknowledge the past i couldn't change, and forgive myself for the bad shit that happened to me. 

 I started learning about myself, the woman i wanted to be and how i wanted to be love. isolating myself from the dating scene taught me to value ME. sex wasn't what my heart truly desired; it was an unhealthy safe zone. That hindered me from achieving real authentic love.

 Celibacy showed me how to prioritize sex. Yes it was important to me, but it was no longer a main factor. It was no longer the way I wanted to introduce myself to people. I was able to achieve my goals without sex clouding my judgement. So as much as i dreaded taking this journey. It was necessary for my mind to get control of my addiction. I was losing weight and happy to be happy.

***Sounds funny when you say addiction, but living in denial is something I don't want to do. Sex addicts do exist and most of them dont know know they are one. However I know i'm a sex addict and i'm not ashamed. Neither should you about bad habits or addictions you need to control, or let go.

 Don't stop

 I understand that life is hard. Let me be honest, sometimes life down right sucks. One bad thing leads to a horrible situation that ends with terrible results. And no matter what you do to fix it nothing goes right. Nothing you do fixes the problems you didn't ask for. On top of the bad days, mistakes, and everyday BS we go through. Life at times simply sucks.

 However don't stop. Don't stop your mission.

 No matter how much life sucks. You have to remind yourself the good times are worth it. Rather its old happy memories, goals you’ve accomplished, or future plans you’ve made. Tell yourself they are worth the bad times. Find ways to create good times if you feel you have none. That's how you keep your sanity.

 When i'm having bad days i think about my grandparents, i shared my happiest moments with them. I compliment how far a girl who had way too many downs, has come up. And if i can come from those dark days, i know damn well i can go further. My happiness is mine to make and I am determined to keep it.

 By any means necessary.

 I am worth it. The way I see it. If I've never been happy, there’s time to make myself happy. When you’ve dealt with trauma all of your life you deserve to be happy. Don't stop until you find it. Yes, it's a mental struggle but it's one you can overcome. Even if it means doing it in nontraditional ways.

 You have to tell yourself, your well being is more important than anything or anyone. Even if people think you're crazy. When I told my friends I was taking a celibacy vow(the first time) they ALL thought I was crazy. Some suggested I lost my mind. But I didn't care,I  needed that time to myself to heal.

 Now when i told them i was doing it a second time. They questioned my head space. This time around I have a goal in mind. The first time I was angry, borderline bitter and simply didn't want to be with anyone. Now I'm on this journey because I want to share my body with someone special. I want to end these bad cycles I've been in. and experience intimacy, romance, friendship, along with good sex.

 Also I want to be in a better space when I meet the next person. I want to be financially ready, spiritually cleansed, and ready for whatever comes to me. So I won't stop. I don't stop my mission for temporary satisfaction. I find other ways to stimulate myself without breaking  my vow. I take myself out on dates and I don't dwell in the bad too long.

 I don't stop encouraging myself. I find different ways to inspire me. Especially when I'm at my lowest. So I know it can be done. And no Suga it’s not going to be easy, you might have to change some things. But I promise you it's worth it. You are worth it and you have a purpose. Some of us take a while to find it. But you have a purpose to serve. Don't let the past trauma stop you.

 The state of Sex in 2022 makes me not want to have sex. I’m not saying sex is as special as love, but it had meaning. People respected their bodies. They cherished those naked moments and the trust you made through sexual intercourse's. There were unspoken rules that people followed.

 Like hygiene, safety, and privacy. Women knew how to seduce and men aimed to please. Sex was fun, a release, or a sport that wasn't labeled. It was the time where being naughty was ok.  It wasn't selfish, dirty, or meant to be malicious. The stories I hear from don't sound like fantasies. It’s more like living nightmares that I never wanted to experience.

 I heard a woman a little boo-boo between her cheeks

 Another girl used tissue for a pantyliner

 A homeboy didn’t wash his balls

 Then I was watching porn and this man was long dicking this girl with a piece of tissue in his ass. Like come on dawg. If you’re going to record, you could at least wash your ass. Do y’all need lessons on wiping properly. like what is wrong with y’all. Why would you even share your body with someone dirty?

Y’all really out here fucking everybody any kind of way?  You don't hold yourself to high enough standards to be clean?

Another reason I’m Celibate and in no rush

 Even if you’re not a sex addict, maintaining your celibacy vow is hard. We live in a sexually charged world that makes saying yes better than no. But you have to make it worth it for you. That’s where setting goals comes in. 

 I’ve learned from my previous journey that it's better to replace bad habits with good ones. Habits that will help you stay focused and serve a purpose. Being celibate is a time period to work on a better you. Without unhealthy behaviors distract you.

 For me sex deters me from the mission on. It consumes my thoughts. Makes me want to please a partner instead of working on me. Takes away valuable time I could be devoting to my goals. I can honestly say I love sex but it keeps me in dead end cycles.

 And we are no longer doing that

 We are raising our vibrations and learning positive rewards. For me I want to have a healthy sex life and be happy. That starts with healing old traumas, being honest with myself, and working hard on my goals.

 What about you?

I they have it wrong when they say love will you make do some dumb things. Sex will have you out here stuck on stupid. Ready to risk it all for a night of orgasms. Sex will make you forget what common sense is. Have you out here in these streets acting a fool for the nut. Doing things your momma told you good girls didn't do. Explicit things only pornstars are known for. Sex turns a bad day into a beautiful memory. You can’t focus on the negatives when you’re experiencing ecstasy. Good sex will have you spring cleaning in the winter time. Cooking a four course meal at eleven at night. Calling out of work to go lay up. Or ditching your friends when you get that special call. Good sex will make an alpha female willingly submit. 

just rambling 

 An important part of being celibate is figuring out what you want from it. Everybody's journey is not the same because we have different goals. Different desire’s. It’s okay if yours does not look like anyone else’s. What’s important s is that it’s made for you.

 My first journey was hard and a complete mess. I didn’t have a goal in mind. I let fear control my narrative and trick me into believing I wanted to be alone. A broken heart paired with unresolved trauma will convince you to be negative.

So yes I was able to fix something’s and work on healing. I forgot to figure out what I really wanted. What would make me happy. Marriage isn’t the goal but I did learn I want some type of human relationship.

 I wanted to be looked at with more love than lust. And I didn’t want to feel like I was missing or giving up pieces of me. This time around my journey is forcing me to work on me in order to attract the kind of love I’ve been missing.

 Ask yourself what do you want out of it. Abstaining from sex is a good start, but you need to create some goals. Goals that will raise your value during this journey.

 Hard truth

 I ‘m a sex addict, not a whore or a hoe. People confuse sex addicts with  people who want bragging rights or loose. But that's not always the case. My sexual energy is not moved by people but my own impulses. My own desires, my need for control, and my love for pleasing people. I enjoyed sex more than I enjoyed people. And after the pandemic i wanted to change that. 

 Honestly, the pandemic made me realize I wanted love. Sex became my safe zone so I missed out on the intimacy's. I was afraid to fall in love, scared to be vulnerable, terrible at communicating, and too focused on sex. Which caused me to land in dead end situations. And at 36 I deserved my fairytale. Even if that meant i had to give up my favorite thing.

I was ready to be celibate.

 My sexual addiction

 I wanted that power back an abuser took from me. In my mind I was the only one who deserved to make choices with my body. I was to young to understand what a sexual victim defined as. But I refused to lose my power to anyone else. My sexual journey started off confused by sex, attraction, and how to explore it as a immature lady. 

 In my own weird way being sexual free meant I got to decide what happened to my body. I controlled my pussy. And long as I controlled it no one or nothing could hurt me. This way of thinking ruined the idea of love. Made me afraid to be vulnerable and not wanting to commit.

 I grew in unhealthy obsession with sex. Watching it, reading it, learning about it, and finding out about my body. Masturbation became away of life and when I became old enough sex was my preference. Not love or commitments. 

 But sex. I got what I wanted and minded my business. At one point I became a swinger where I lived out all of my fantasies and discovered some new ones. Sex topped every quality a mate could have. Which usually left me in bad situations. Ones where I was broken-hearted with wet dreams to comfort her. 

 My journey started with me learning about sex addictions, what causes them, how to cure it, and ways to maintain. In my opinion it’s a battle between your mental and physical state. Discipline is what you really need to keep you from fucking on impulses.